Now Open: The Donald J. Trump School of Media Training (A Parody)
We’re proud to announce the grand opening of the Donald J. Trump School for Media Training!
If you’re tired of civility and having a socially responsible message, this is the workshop for you.
Too many media training courses teach you to be “politically correct.” I promise you will not encounter that here. In our school—which is the classiest media training school ever created—you will learn why it’s important to blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind and ignore trainers who instruct you to stay “on message.”
The Donald J. Trump School for Media Training will teach you the art of the bluster. Your first exercise will challenge you to create your own facts and make them sound convincing simply by being high energy.
This is not a course for dummies and losers, such as military veterans who were tortured as POWs, or Megyn Kelly. Also, please note that we are not currently accepting Muslim applicants until we find out what the hell is going on. (We have no choice.)
At our school, you will learn:
- How to select the right third-rate reporters to attack on Twitter
- How to determine the perfect moment to call reporters “scum”
- How to kick Telemundo reporters out of any press conference
- When it’s appropriate to mock disabled reporters
- How to deny that you mocked disabled reporters
- What to say when reporters confront you with “facts”
- How to have your top aide physically assault a female reporter and get away with it
- How to get once-respectable cable networks to cover your every utterance
- How to blame a faulty earpiece after failing to repudiate the Ku Klux Klan
- How to get all of the morning shows to do a phone interview with you while you’re still in your bathrobe
- How to change the media narrative about something crazy you said by saying something even crazier
- How to dismantle the conservative news network whose support everyone thought you’d need to win
- How to mainstream conspiracy theories
- How to call female reporters “bimbos” while maintaining plausible deniability
- How Russian President Vladimir Putin exhibits leadership by killing critical journalists
- When to call your opponents loaded terms like “rapist,” “ugly,” and “dumb”
- How to call your opponent a “pussy” without a seven-second delay
- Why you should never apologize
- How to neuter a national political committee
- …and more
Registration for this course is available exclusively to demagogues. The cost is free if you’re a supporter, and way too high if you’re not.
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